A Sinner 's Lamentation

Source: X 1999 by CLAMP [Hinoto]

I'm on my path of redemption

To beg forgiveness for my sins.

I'm on my path of salvation

To beg inner peace for my spirit

I'm on my path of purification

To beg some mercy for my dirty soul

Purify me, My Love 

Crucify my desire, my lust, my temptation

Purify me, My Love

Burn me with your torch of enlightenment

Inspired by Rune of Kenaz, The Torch of Enlightenment

http://runesecrets.com/rune-meanings/kenaz

MOST AMAZING BACKGROUND AWARD :3

Yep, the announcement result had just come. I got the award of most amazing background. Though I'm still huffing for not getting the 1st prize (hahahah how narcissistic I could be?), at least I'm still grateful than the last. And the fact the committee still appreciate my drawing pleases me. The most exciting is of course this drawing had delivered me a bunch of watchers. I could tell that some of them beginning to be a loyal watcher and always come back to my newest art. Gooooood thing ahaha

Also, this makes me become more confident in polishing my background drawing skill. I will draw with more complex background I promise. So I could open commission at DA finally :D

Yeeaaay, I'm so happy :D

72 Hours to Finish This Drawing

Hmm too tired to type anything. Just click the link below if you really want to know what does this artwork means XD

http://harumikoto.deviantart.com/art/10-Ways-to-Love-Contest-DATE-Koi-no-Akatombo-486704380

I'm joining a contest again. So basically after I finished the drawing in this picture http://mikotoharukaze.blogspot.com/2014/10/just-when-result-comes.html on 30th September, I was going Spartan again to finish the drawing above on 5th September. The good thing of joining contests in DA is, mostly the committee are living abroad, in countries with a long long gap of time difference. Hehehehhe... So I basically finished the drawing in tomorrow morning of the deadline (6th September), which was 5th September at night in the committee's time area.

Now I'm just waiting for the result. Hopefully I'm lucky this time. Not like the last time. Grrrgggh. Still the committee haven't decided the winners yet. Which is could be a good thing, meant that they really try to judge it properly. Not like the previous contest I joined, in which the winner was announced 1 day after the contest ended. *fuck. As if they actually had already the winners on their minds. Urgh.

And now I still have 2 drawings to finish on 14th October. Plus 50 pages of translation for 14th October. Zzzzz... I do really have a busy happy life, don't I?

Cheers

DRAGGED...

I dunno since when I become so addicted to draw... I can't stop. I don't care about anything else. I just wanna draw till I dawn, even till die. But...

Isn't all of these just the copies of reality? Why am I so into it? But...

Is it wrong to be so passionate about what you like in your life?

But...is it OK to just shut off anything but draw?

Is it reality?

Is this reality really okay?

I don't wanna be messed up...

Not anymore...

I don't want to be drifted away from my real goal...

I've been dragged into my own Dark Neverland...

and I'll drag you with me!


:p 

Got The Third Place on The Mini Contest!!! XD

Well, last time I in this posting I've told you about how I struggle to finish the artwork above only for 48 hours and broke my own record :D

Did I win?

Did I win?

Did I win?

Well...honestly...a lot of people joining the contest. Maybe about 20 people? For a mini contest on Deviant Art, it's a real number, Dude! Sooo... after I'm waiting for this whole week finally they announce the result THIS NIGHT.

And....

I got the 3rd place! Hoooraaay? XD

Strangely I kinda got a premonition that I'll get third place >_< Kinda like a deja vu or something? So when I did my regular pray this afternoon suddenly I remembered this contest (weeell...I know I shouldn't think about anything else whenever I'm doing regular pray...my bad :p :p), and I was worried that I won't get any place. I was highly confident actually. But as time went by my confidence level dropped. Especially after my mum chose other artwork as her favorites when I showed her the gallery of entries >n<...

So... while I was doing my regular pray a sudden thought passed by, "Maybe I'll at least got the third place?"

And IT'S TRUE! AND THAT WHAT MAKES IT LITTLE SCARY! (do I have certain 6th sense power??? LOL)

Well if you ask me whether it's worthy considering the amount of time I spent for finishing the artwork... Well...it depends on...

My father might be just snorted and said, "Only get that???"


DUH...

But I guess it's a good step forward for me, that some people miles away across the ocean are rather choose my artwork among the others to win the 3rd place. I'll have to be grateful. And the most important, I have to train my skill more, so more people will acknowledge my art (including my own dearly parents...pfff). I have to train my pencil color artwork, so it could be compete against those digital artworks (the first place and the second place were done digitally, and they're really smooth and good...)

Well...this is the second time I win something from Deviant Art... (hey, when was the first? I'll tell you later xD)

So I guess... VIVA DEVIANT DAYS :D


More competitions I plan to enter, I hope I'll have the luck just like this one, probably better?


Thank you God! Thank you Fleur! Thank you the judges! 

48 Hours Draw (Breaking My Own Record!!!)

Fleur and Yumiko, the OCs of some artists in Deviant Art. Seems like they are a real couple in the real life

I draw this picture, only for about 48 hours! Precisely I started drawing from 14th August, 10.00 p.m till today's 09.00 a.m. I felt like I was possessed to draw that fast (it is considered pretty rapid for me who's really slow at drawing that sometimes I could even need months and years to finish one piece of artwork!)

This is drawn by using reference. Of course with many modifications as usual. When I started drawing the cats, then all the fun began! XD I don't wanna to make the couple alone just by themselves anyway. It's like my own personal policy to keep my arts still PG 13+ and under hahaha :D (I could say that this is my most intimate pose... that's why we need those cats around ahaha)

I have to draw many straight lines here oh my...(and finally I use my ruler to the max!). Also Iadd so many objects there. After I finished them all this morning, I felt like my right fingers went numb and felt like I have to sleep for days to recharge!

Basically I'm both relieved and quite satisfied with the result, yet the grainy looks on all over place makes me want to mourn X(

I really want to create a smooth arts using my pencil color someday. Ugh! Have to train more!

Well, so now I have to start pray and cross my fingers so I'll be the winner and get the prize as well ahahah :D I really want to show to my family that I could get something from my own art :D

Wish me luck guyz!

WIP I'm Doing Now

Yep, now I'm drawing a fanart of CLAMP's X/1999 Dragons of Earth and one training doodle featuring Rayvision's OCs: Himiko and Momo Tsugunaga. Yeah, SHUT UP AND DRAW! DRAW OR DIE! DRAW TILL DAWN! XD XD XD

Nothingness

Could something cure this loneliness?

Could someone fill this emptiness?

For I'm sure that I was born not into nothingness...

"Deviant" Days

I'm drawing again. And it works better to relieve my anxiety and restlessness than just reading manga (or editing old artworks LOL). I upload my artworks on a site named Deviant Art. Also on drawcrowds, kreavi, and pinterest. However, it's really hard to get popular there :sad :sad: (except for Deviant Art where I have had 4000s page views and more than 50 watchers). Maybe because there are groups on DA that enhance the new artists to getting popular and get along with other users.

Well...so here are my two last artworks:

In this artwork there's Shirayuki Himeka san, Yuina, and meh. You don't have any idea how long I had to spent to finish this one (laziness is the main factor here :p) The background took longest time. And my favorite part is her golden blond hair.  Unfortunately the paper becomes dull due to the long delay (maybe also because there're too many objects there?). But I'm relieved I finally finish this one.

The pose reference is from Katagiri Ikumi. I added some dragonflies to make it more artistic and distinct. This is Yuina. To draw the red dragonflies I was really helped by pencil color tutorial of Ian Wongkar. 

I uploaded these two artworks almost in the same time. But just like my expectation, the second one draws more attention in DA. In fact, the faves are increasing rapidly I'm surprised XD Must be because of the unique pose XD... I'm really happy with the results and I like dragonflies now. I have to draw them again in my next artworks...

Well...once I start drawing, I barely can't stop it. Now I'm working on another artwork and I have tons inside my head. So I spend most of my days in front of laptop, drawing by using references. Also I spend most of my times mingling in Deviant Art.  Sometimes my mother asks me to do something, then I take some rests, and after that drawing again. I don't know how long this thing will happen. But as long as I'm living and healthy now, what more I could ask?


I wonder if my writings and artworks will bring me to the world outside...again

Hahah

Just that for today

See ya

Moment To Forgive and Apologize, eh?

This is my last year Eid Al Fitr art. Made it from my X-CLAMP fan art in Islamic version XD. I also made a recent art for Eid Al Fitr this year and posted it in my previous posting^^ Also...the picture above is my ideal thought and portray of ideal family and social life... Will I really get this? :)

Well Ramadhan is gone, once again. For saying it sentimentally, dunno whether should be sad or happy eh? 

People always said that Eid Al Fitr is the right moment both to forgive and ask for apologize. There will be always issues among human and social relationship right? To hurt or to be hurt are inevitable. Every year, my family and I usually get some messages, either in facebook or by SMS from our relatives, friends or acquaintance, asking us to forgive their mistakes by any means.

But honestly (secretly) usually I think it's funny to accept those kinds of message from somebody that we even hardly interacted with. "What the heck you have to me? Do we even talk after class?" XD

Lip service, I know :p Just like social obligation to show our respect to our familiar people...

Haha, cold I know.

But I once changed, I became much more social than before, and then began to send the same kind  of messages and start replying those messages I get during Ramadhan and Eid Al Fitr XD You know, how many people send you the message show how many people still remember you, still want to keep your number, and indirectly show your position in social life XD (regardless that some people might just forward the message they get from others or sending one same messages for hundreds people all at once :p )

I don't care whether I really ever done mistake or whether they really once hurt me or not, receiving those messages are fun. And the more fun is how to make my messages as creative and as funny as possible :p haha... I once even kept some messages I've sent or I've got as "ammunition messages" for next year event :p ('till my cellphone memory was overloaded and then needed to be refreshed as the consequence...OUCH! XD)

And...people come...people go. Some people keep sending their message to you, some are not doing it anymore (maybe due to certain circumstance and changes at social environment)...

The thing is...the more I think about it, the more I question myself. As the Eid Al Fitr messages keep coming in... Not even one is in specific and serious tones. Meaning...the people that once in bad terms with me never bother themselves to send their messages to me. Neither me might don't want to send anything to people who once had some issues with me...

So this tradition is just lip services at all???

Oh well...

The point in this posting is..... do we really have guts or care to ask for apologize towards the people who once we hurt? And do we really will to forgive those who once hurt us badly, whether they ask for apologize or not?

Some moments ago, I arrived to a conclusion that it's much easier to say "Happy Eid Al Fitr. Please forgive my mistakes and may God Bless you..." to some acquaintances or friends that never been in serious relationship. Means...we just interact with them for several ordinary occasions thus hardly ever had serious moments together... That's why it sounds fun. That's why the texts could sound philosophical, funny, interesting, full of jokes, and whatever...

Some atmospheres that will be hardly appear if you really feel sorry, regret and remorse towards your mistakes...

Do you ever felt the bitterly same issues here?

I often find some people say to me, "Well I have forgiven her/his, let the past be the past, and then you know that the fact he/she is the one asking forgiveness first, shows that I'm the right one. You know, it's true when people say the time will show, and God will reveal the truth..."

Or...some other things sound like above. There is always proud behind this forgive---forgiven issues. And it might be the hint that some people can't actually forgive though they said they have had.

And to add the salt to the wounds, there are two quotes I often hear in our society for this kind of issue:

"Forgiven but not forgotten.."

"A broken glass will always has its side cracked no matter how desperate you try to fix..."

So...will you really giving forgiveness?

Will you really asking for apologize?

Can the broken things is mended truly?

Think about people that once in a good term with you. Think about how it might change recently. Thing about how some happy moments is shattered just because we shared it with some people called "ex-friend"...

Bye bye and happy eid al fitr. Eid mubarrak...

visit my Deviantart here: www.harumikoto.deviantart.com

Do We Still Have Another Time???

So say, how much do we have to meet this moment again next year?


I'm feeling distressed. Many things happened since the middle of this year. I'm totally messed up, and not like the previous Ramadhans, something feels lost deep inside my heart...

What I'm doing this Ramadhan? Locking myself inside my home, sleeping all the time, and when I awake, I browsed internet, digital comic, or doing my translating job... (at least God still kindly gives me something to keep my brain occupied)

And in the same time...people in Gaza is suffering under the raid. It's really hard for them to keep fasting during Ramadhan. No market, no access, just the smell of the death everywhere... Still they keep fasting...

Comparing their condition and mine, feels like irony :(

Tomorrow, we might all be happy eating cakes, cookies and foods with all of our families. What about them?

If I still have time in this world...I hope I could have better Ramadhans :(

huhuhu...


visit my Deviantart here: www.harumikoto.deviantart.com

LET IT GO, LET IT FLOW

Let my blood flow
and end my misery
don't you see now
I'm finally free?

For death is not the end. It's just the beginning of the new adventure...

visit my Deviantart here: harumikoto.deviantart.com


I was a bit depressed when I drew this. The pose reference is taken from NANA artwork

PARADOXA (Paradox-She)

What she thought: WHATEVER! (the pose inspired by an artist in DA named Takenaka san/tknk)

She's loaded with figure of speeches

For her lips are full of metaphors

and paradox is her persona

Sometimes she thinks in hyperbolic

which she conveyed in periphrasis

She's like a dandelion. None knows where she will land

as her decisions tend to lead to irony

How she hates sarcasm. But she likes to cursed sarcastically

She walks in figure of speech. 

She likes personify the soulless

In her cry she laughs. In her laugh she cries.

She kills the loneliness by hugging tight the solitude

How she likes wacky association. And she is associated with wackyness

Maybe because she loves the wind...

that blows away her mind

And...

She loves the wind with all of her hatreds. 

And hates the wind with all of her loves

Currently listening to: Fushizen na Girl (Artificial Girl) by: PERFUME

visit my Deviantart here: harumikoto.deviantart.com

Regret

For all the times that have been wasted...
For all the impudent thing that have been done
For all the laziness that have been through...
For all the chances that have been flied away...

What is the point of regret?

Times will never return...

God bye days...

Reflection

I saw my face in the mirror today and found a cute face. But then I realize that behind that face, without my skins, meat, etc, I'm just a pale skeleton. How hard I try to run after beauty, in the end, I will never avoid the fate that I'll be just a pale bones, in the end I will be buried alone deep down underground...

Alone in The Dark

I'm alone and I'm lonely. Just look at my FB, I felt like I've spent my times in the cave. My friend has a baby now. One of my favorite lecturer accepted 252 B-day messages last week (except from me)... And here I am still exile myself... I want to go faraway... far far far away... to the place that is not here

Writing in Darkness

It's been a long time since I updated this blog last time. Honestly I don't really know what I should write here. First time I made this blog, this one was supposed to be the container of my darkness of heart. Then I felt that I didn't feel emo or dark too often anymore so this blog ridiculously shifted its role as a provider of some Korean pop song's lyrics.

I am a kind of person who like to write whenever I'm happy. When I feel depressed I find I can't even write any single punctuation. Many experts may said that writing is one of therapies. But for me it's  not work the same way since I can't write my sadness as fluently as writing my happiness. Whereas, they (the experts) said that by pouring your feelings in some pieces of paper it's helpful to ease yourself (writing to ease yourself means writing whatever burdened your heart, right???). I do really want to write some of my depressing moments, but...it's difficult. I feel so mad, and humiliated myself whenever I tried to do it. Moreover, who wants to read about sadness?

Lately I'm always haunted by own thoughts. The thoughts keep saying inside my brain: "You have to die. I have to die. ARGH! Why don't I die???"

Yeah it sounds crazy. Not sounds...IT IS CRAZY. Sad and depressing moments are filling my brain, replacing every single happy thoughts. It's like a living hell. I even can't feel happy in the moments when I should be happy. For example when my lecturers announced that I passed my thesis examination. I relieved for seconds then I felt so dark after I realized they gave me bunch of paper works to revise my thesis. I feel so dark that my mind goes blank every time I face my revisions. Also the strange thought that I can't even face my graduation

I need a help indeed. I went to a psychiatrist for times before I could finally finish my thesis. She said I have bipolar disorder. Then I went to an indigo spiritualist who said that someone had cursed me with evil magic spell. The spell made me couldn't sleep for almost two months and made me thought several absurd things like that I was a reincarnation of Odin. Reading ancient runes (that is supposed to be only a reference for my fiction) and some times I spent at Greek Mythology course might be the reason. Then I went blabbering orally or by texting my friends beyond my control. When I'm finally healed, I felt so horribly humiliated.

I can't write more for a moment... AGH....

Tohoshinki Newest's Single: STILL. Romaji and Lyric Translation (90%)

Finally! Tohoshinki releases their newest single, STILL. How I love this song. Lately I don't feel their songs like B.U.T, Winter Song, I Don't Know, DUET, and Super Star are ear-catchy. I never listened to them anymore after I played it once. Usually I would remember the tone of their songs once I listened to it. Or... the songs would tempt me to listen it again and again. The last thing I was enchanted by their songs was after Keep Your Head Down and Before You Go. After that? I was still waiting while keep listening to JYJ's In Heaven, until...NOW! Finally The Kings comeback with their new and enchanting single! This song is simply engraved in my heart. Also if you want to learn Japanese, I suggest you to learn from this song. The words aren't too hard to understand and to be memorized. Ja...kikimasuyo!

Look at how Changmin posed here. It feels like he said "We're still the KING of K-POP!" XD

STILL (performed by Tohoshinki)

adokenai egao wo ukabeta
shashin no nakano futari wa mada
konna hi ga kuru towa omowazu
o soroi no koucha wo eranda

kawa ranai kono terasu wa kyoumo

natsukashii ni oiga surukedo

nake tekunno wa kimi noseisa

mou ichido sasotte mou ichido waratte
bokutachi ga kono basho de deaetanara
kimi no te nigitte chikaitai no ni sou nanda

kimi no koe ga kikenai nante?
kimi no namae yobenai nante?
semete yume de aetara kitto
kimi wo gyutto daki shimerunda

dakedo kimi ni aenai nante?
aishiteruto ienai nante?
kanashii hodo kuru o shikutte
setsunai setsunai koi wo shita

ah… tada nai tanda
ah… setsunai setsunai koi wo shita

sabishisa wo gomakasu dakenara
hokano dareka de yokatta noni
itsumo kimi no sugata kasame te
yokei ni sabishii to omotta

itsu no nikakono kaku wo magatte
menomae ni kimi ga iru koto ga
yumemite iru kiseki nanda

guuzen demo yokutte hitsuzen demo yokutte
bokutachiga kono michi de deaetanara
kimi no te tsukande ubai taiyo sou nanda

kimi no kata ni motaretai yo
kimi wo jitto mitsumetai yo
semete yume de ae tarakitto
kimi ni chanto kisu wo surunda

kimi wo itsumo wasurenai yo
bokuwa zutto kawarenai yo
kurushii hodo ittoshikutte
setsunai setsunai koi wo shita

nee ima nani shiteruno?
kimi wa shiawase nano? no no no no no no
kimi wa mada still staying forever in my heart
kimi wa ima mo.. in my heart..in my heart

kimi no te nigitte chikai tainoni I love you..

kimi no koe ga kikenai nante?
kimi no namae yobenai nante?
semete yume de ae tarakitto
kimi wo gyutto daki shimerunda

dakedo kimi ni aenai nante?
aishiteru to ienai nante?
kanashii hodo kuru o shikutte
setsunai setsunai koi woshita

ah… tada nai tanda
ah… setsunai setsunai koi woshita

I want you to stay in my heart
I need your love that brings tears to my eyes

Haha...their eyes looks begging (and a bit teasing), "We're only two members now. But you're STILL with Tohoshinki, right?" XD

Translation

Your warm smiling face

Both of us smiling brightly in the photograph

I thought , “Will such days come again?”

I felt the taste of nostalgia

If I cried then it’s your fault

Once again, supporting each other. Once again, smiling brightly. If we reunite in this place again.

I want to hold your hand and make an oath, just like that

Wht I can’t hear your voice?

Why I can’t call your name?

But if we meet in our dreams,

I will hug you tightly.

But why I cannot meet you?

Why I cannot say that I love you.

My sadness keeps coming

How sad this love. How sad I loved you

ah…but just nothing can do

ah…sad love sad love

Running away from loneliness

Everyone can do that

But your silhouette still over lapping

And it becomes more lonely and heavier

When can I turn around this corner

(and) see you in front of me

A miracle like seeing a dream

Though it’s coincidence, though it’s inevitable

If we reunite again in this street

I want to hold your hand and snatch you away, just like that

I want to lean on your shoulders,

I want to keep looking at you.

If we meet in our dreams,

I will kiss you with (all) my strength.

I cannot forget you till forever.

I will always stay like this.

The harder it is, the more I’ll love you.

Painful Love.

Hey, what are you doing now?

Are you still happy? No no no no no

You’re still staying forever in my heart

Even now you’re still in my heart…in my heart

I want to hold your hand tightly. I love you

Why I can’t hear your voice?

Why I can’t call your name?

But if we meet in our dreams,

I will hug you tightly.

But why I can’t meet you?

But why I can’t say I love you?

My sadness keeps coming

How sad this love. How sad when I loved you

I want you to stay in my heart
I need your love that brings tears to my eyes

AFTER NOTE 

Is this song really talk about them, Fans? Well...I could sense your suspicious naughty stare from here, Guys =p

 

Some people said that actually though the MV was shown like that, this lyrics doesn't say anything about the boy's feeling toward a girl but about YUNJAE! Or it's Tohoshinki's feeling toward JYJ. Well...I'm more comfortable with the second idea since I'm not into THAT kind of relationship things! But well...I don't know. I leave the interpretation to all of you, Fans ;p

Yunho and Changmin seemed spacing out here. What were they thinking when this photo was shot? Were they thinking about their ex-members JYJ? XD

It's Time to Wake Up, Dear

Let the evening comes... you're not afraid of death.
You're afraid of being dead.
of being rotten
deep down
under the dark ground

of your beauty
being munched
by the decayed worms

Afraid
of being left
and forgotten

You're not afraid of death.
You are just afraid
of how the angel will grab your soul.
Will it softly?
Like a mother hugging her baby?
Or will it fast and hard?
Like a hand tear a silk?

Or will it slowly and hard?
like when a hand gripping a feather
ripping it, then throw it to nowhere

You're not afraid of death
You're just afraid
to where will you go after
the death... coming and
grabbing your soul.

You could run over the world
but the evening will always come to you
like a mother
singing lullaby
humming
"It's time to wake up, Dear..." =)

The Heart of Avatar

Loving the wind sways you inconsistently.

Shivering uncontrollably.

So cold...

Frozen...

Loving the fire burns you alive.

Painful like a hell

Vanished

Loving water drags you along.

Die in sinking.

Loving the earth will bury you.

Deep deep under the darkness ground

Loving water and earth

Both make us breathless.

Loving the light hurts your eyes.

Loving the darkness misleads your ways.

So, for whom I have to give this love?

Restless...

Sleepless...

Soulless...

Loveless...

the picture was taken from: http://sapientology.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/life-and-death-yin-yang.jpg