DRAGGED...

I dunno since when I become so addicted to draw... I can't stop. I don't care about anything else. I just wanna draw till I dawn, even till die. But...

Isn't all of these just the copies of reality? Why am I so into it? But...

Is it wrong to be so passionate about what you like in your life?

But...is it OK to just shut off anything but draw?

Is it reality?

Is this reality really okay?

I don't wanna be messed up...

Not anymore...

I don't want to be drifted away from my real goal...

I've been dragged into my own Dark Neverland...

and I'll drag you with me!


:p 

LET IT GO, LET IT FLOW

Let my blood flow
and end my misery
don't you see now
I'm finally free?

For death is not the end. It's just the beginning of the new adventure...

visit my Deviantart here: harumikoto.deviantart.com


I was a bit depressed when I drew this. The pose reference is taken from NANA artwork

PARADOXA (Paradox-She)

What she thought: WHATEVER! (the pose inspired by an artist in DA named Takenaka san/tknk)

She's loaded with figure of speeches

For her lips are full of metaphors

and paradox is her persona

Sometimes she thinks in hyperbolic

which she conveyed in periphrasis

She's like a dandelion. None knows where she will land

as her decisions tend to lead to irony

How she hates sarcasm. But she likes to cursed sarcastically

She walks in figure of speech. 

She likes personify the soulless

In her cry she laughs. In her laugh she cries.

She kills the loneliness by hugging tight the solitude

How she likes wacky association. And she is associated with wackyness

Maybe because she loves the wind...

that blows away her mind

And...

She loves the wind with all of her hatreds. 

And hates the wind with all of her loves

Currently listening to: Fushizen na Girl (Artificial Girl) by: PERFUME

visit my Deviantart here: harumikoto.deviantart.com

Writing in Darkness

It's been a long time since I updated this blog last time. Honestly I don't really know what I should write here. First time I made this blog, this one was supposed to be the container of my darkness of heart. Then I felt that I didn't feel emo or dark too often anymore so this blog ridiculously shifted its role as a provider of some Korean pop song's lyrics.

I am a kind of person who like to write whenever I'm happy. When I feel depressed I find I can't even write any single punctuation. Many experts may said that writing is one of therapies. But for me it's  not work the same way since I can't write my sadness as fluently as writing my happiness. Whereas, they (the experts) said that by pouring your feelings in some pieces of paper it's helpful to ease yourself (writing to ease yourself means writing whatever burdened your heart, right???). I do really want to write some of my depressing moments, but...it's difficult. I feel so mad, and humiliated myself whenever I tried to do it. Moreover, who wants to read about sadness?

Lately I'm always haunted by own thoughts. The thoughts keep saying inside my brain: "You have to die. I have to die. ARGH! Why don't I die???"

Yeah it sounds crazy. Not sounds...IT IS CRAZY. Sad and depressing moments are filling my brain, replacing every single happy thoughts. It's like a living hell. I even can't feel happy in the moments when I should be happy. For example when my lecturers announced that I passed my thesis examination. I relieved for seconds then I felt so dark after I realized they gave me bunch of paper works to revise my thesis. I feel so dark that my mind goes blank every time I face my revisions. Also the strange thought that I can't even face my graduation

I need a help indeed. I went to a psychiatrist for times before I could finally finish my thesis. She said I have bipolar disorder. Then I went to an indigo spiritualist who said that someone had cursed me with evil magic spell. The spell made me couldn't sleep for almost two months and made me thought several absurd things like that I was a reincarnation of Odin. Reading ancient runes (that is supposed to be only a reference for my fiction) and some times I spent at Greek Mythology course might be the reason. Then I went blabbering orally or by texting my friends beyond my control. When I'm finally healed, I felt so horribly humiliated.

I can't write more for a moment... AGH....

(Musashimaru) Dealing With...

Well, the theme of this picture maybe still related to the previous one, 'Self Crisis'. Both of them depict about teenagers' confusion in dealing with their self-crisis while looking for their identity. This one isn't as depressive as the previous one. More depicting about the contemplation. This guy is thinking about the most philosophical questions about himself, "Who am I? and What's the meaning of my existence". If you've ever read James Redfield's Celestine Prophecy and The Tenth Insight, there are explanations about how all people in the world are bringing their own messages to be shared with others. Unfortunately, many people don't realize about what kind of exact role they have to play in their life because they are lost themselves from the energy of universe.

In order to prevent disorientation in this life, it's really important to free ourselves just for a while from our usual daily activities, take time to stop, to silence and contemplate about what we have done and what we should do next in this earth. After that we can make our best plan to run our rest of life. This will make our life more meaningful. =D

This guy is Musashimaru one of the supporting characters of my HEARTBEAT manga (though this manga was never published and even have not been finished yet...phew...). I drew this chara when I was still in 1st grade high school. He has so gloomy look rarely to smile. and talk to his schoolmates. His appearance is really big, about 180 cm or more (he was too lazy to measure it regularly). No one know who started the rumor, Musashimaru was considered by a member of yakuza bacause of his mysterious behavior, cold expression, and the scar on his right eye. This makes most of his schoolmates keep away from him. But seems that he doesn't care at all. Nobody knows that actually he is... (hmm I guess I can reveal his true identity by the time I finished the manga... phew)

SELF POTRAIT- The Girl in Self Crisis

This is also the artwork for my MIKOTO AND PETER PAN MONOGATARI. The drawing is to describe when she had to deal with her self crisis, in the chapter 3, when suddenly she almost disappeared for real. The concept actually came from the phase that must be experienced by every individual: teenage time. As we know that being a teenager is the hardest time. Teenager usually have more tendency to rebel, fight against the adult's domination especially if they are under too much pressure. They are stubborn and have high pride but actually those are only masks to hide their fragility. Oscillating in the middle child phase and maturity phase, this phase is really crucial. But once they could pass it well, everything will much easier for them.

The transparent hands around her, which make this drawing have a bit mystical  and absurd image, are the symbolization of all temptations our teenagers faced. Sex, drugs, violence, etc, we don't know how much teenagers are lost under their traps... When a teenager lost their orientation and take the wrong way, those  are most caused by environment factor. To be accepted in their social environment is very important for most teenagers, even being the first priority. Many teenagers will do anything just to be accepted even when they have to sacrifice their basic principal or other important thing like honesty and integrity. They will sooner find that it was ridiculous by the time they get mature. But at that time everything cannot be undone. Every people must bring influence or being influenced for people they interact with. Unfortunately not all friends are good friends... So, basically that is the philosophical point behind this drawing. =)

This is the drawing before being edited by adobe photoshop 7... Hoooh...

SELF POTRAIT- Daydream

I drew this for the illustration of my Mikoto and Peterpan no Monogatari. I imagined 'MIKOTO' as a girl who had a minor personality disorder. She was too afraid to go outside and would rather hide herself alone in her room. Yes, this is the symptom of hikikomori. Because she had nothing else to do then she creamed and created an imaginary figure called Peter Pan. Sometimes when her hatred to herself reached the peak, unconsciously she wounded herself by scratching herself by her own fingers or even knife! Therefore, I drew her with loosening bandages everywhere. I don't know why, but my mood was totally dark lately. Therefore I released it by writing that story.

This is the black/white picture before I edited by adobe. The idea was from one of  X Clamp's artwork. Kamui was also covered with bandages and also blood. I don't wanna to make my picture so dark that I decided no to draw the blood here... =)