Saturday, December 15, 2012

Writing in Darkness

It's been a long time since I updated this blog last time. Honestly I don't really know what I should write here. First time I made this blog, this one was supposed to be the container of my darkness of heart. Then I felt that I didn't feel emo or dark too often anymore so this blog ridiculously shifted its role as a provider of some Korean pop song's lyrics.

I am a kind of person who like to write whenever I'm happy. When I feel depressed I find I can't even write any single punctuation. Many experts may said that writing is one of therapies. But for me it's  not work the same way since I can't write my sadness as fluently as writing my happiness. Whereas, they (the experts) said that by pouring your feelings in some pieces of paper it's helpful to ease yourself (writing to ease yourself means writing whatever burdened your heart, right???). I do really want to write some of my depressing moments,'s difficult. I feel so mad, and humiliated myself whenever I tried to do it. Moreover, who wants to read about sadness?

Lately I'm always haunted by own thoughts. The thoughts keep saying inside my brain: "You have to die. I have to die. ARGH! Why don't I die???"

Yeah it sounds crazy. Not sounds...IT IS CRAZY. Sad and depressing moments are filling my brain, replacing every single happy thoughts. It's like a living hell. I even can't feel happy in the moments when I should be happy. For example when my lecturers announced that I passed my thesis examination. I relieved for seconds then I felt so dark after I realized they gave me bunch of paper works to revise my thesis. I feel so dark that my mind goes blank every time I face my revisions. Also the strange thought that I can't even face my graduation

I need a help indeed. I went to a psychiatrist for times before I could finally finish my thesis. She said I have bipolar disorder. Then I went to an indigo spiritualist who said that someone had cursed me with evil magic spell. The spell made me couldn't sleep for almost two months and made me thought several absurd things like that I was a reincarnation of Odin. Reading ancient runes (that is supposed to be only a reference for my fiction) and some times I spent at Greek Mythology course might be the reason. Then I went blabbering orally or by texting my friends beyond my control. When I'm finally healed, I felt so horribly humiliated.

I can't write more for a moment... AGH....

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